It was Sunday, December 16, 2012; I was in my mid-20s working in one of India's largest media conglomerates, living alone in Delhi, travelling every day using public transport and having a believe that I am safe in the capital of India. It was a weekend, but unlike the other weekends when I enjoy staying out a bit late or going to some place to break the monotony of life, I decided to stay back home and do nothing. 

 

I fixed myself a quick meal and went off to sleep just, and when I woke up the news of Nirbhaya rape was all over the place. As always, in the beginning, it was another news of assault and rape, and a temporary setback for my psyche which I thought I would live through again. 

 

BUT NO, the rape of Nirbhaya was not something that I lived through rather it was something that lived inside me and is still very much alive inside me. 

 

For the next few days, the details of the rape kept on pouring in and public outcry, protect and candle march in India Gate, Jantar Mantar, and near Rashtrapati Bhavan concentrated the nation's attention to this brutal rape case. 

 

Read MORE: Nirbhaya rape convicts: Where are they now?

 

Meanwhile, I was still travelling in public transport, I was reading, hearing, and seeing everything surrounding Nirbhaya rape case. I shared the same emotion that the nation shared, I also participated in candle march.

 

ONLY, for me Nirbhaya was not an icon of bravery, she was not a warrior or someone who should become immortal because she was raped barbarically. 

 

She was just a girl like me or anyone (of course, I am referring to girls) in their teens, 20s, or 30s with a desire to be independent in a society take pride in calling its daughters 'Paraya Dhan'. The only mistake she did was to go out on a Friday evening for a movie, ironically a survival drama named, Life of Pi, with a male friend of her. 

 

In the upscale South Delhi, she went to watch a movie, and it was not even too late at night when she boarded the bus, it was approximately 9:30 pm. There are many days when due to work pressure I had to stay late in the office, and so many days I left office after 9:30 pm.

 

AM I A FOOL RISKING MY LIFE FOR A PROFESSIONAL COMMITMENT OR A LITTLE ENJOYMENT AT THE MOVIE THEATRE OR A GOOD DINNER AT A RESTAURANT? 

 

This was the thought that kept running inside my head for days to come. 

 

Though, the general sentiment of people was sympathetic towards Nirbhaya, and all condemned the accused and the nature in which the rape was committed (I really do not have the courage to write the details of the rape).  But, under the breath and inside their mindset, many also felt and said that Nirbhaya should not have been out at that time the night. 

 

So, there is a time of Rape and there is a time of No-Rape. When the Sun is out, that is the time of no-rape and when the Sun is set that is the time of rape. 

 

When the undercurrent mindset of you, me, and many other (leaving aside politicians and other who regularly justifies rape with epic statements) has not changed regarding molestation, rape, and assault, there is no point in raising fingers are the law and order, and legal system in this country. 

 

Read MORE: Why did India wait until Nirbhaya's death to amend its laws?

 

The irony is rather than questioning or protesting against such primitive (with all due respect to people from that era) thoughts I decided to set my clock on rape and no rape time. Because, Nirbhaya's rape scarred my psyche to such an extent that instead to questioning the society, law and order, and judicial system, I decided to protect myself. 

 

I accept that I am a coward, I accept that I do not sleep in peace, I accept I am watchful all the time at all the places I visit. Simply because, I believe no one NEEDS to be a victim to awaken the moral of any society, to question the effectiveness of law and order, or to raise the administration of justice in the 21st century. 

 

I could have been Nirbhaya, but I refuse to be Nirbhaya, the symbol of courage.