Señor Justin Bieber, why are people still chucking bottles at you?

Your song Despacito is number one on the charts. It provided a brand new flavour, a new sound and a new side to you. And even people who didn’t sing along earlier to your songs (cough cough me) are now belting out Deeespaaacito at the most inappropriate times. (Sir, please stop singing near the deceased!)

This song is propelling you to the top of the charts, faster than a spicy burrito is leaving your body (let’s be honest, his recent song with Guetta is ‘mild’ at best!). And this was a golden opportunity for you to become a successful crossover artist.

And you bravely went forth and dipped your toes into the Latin Music world. Piggybacking with Luis Fonsi, beloved artist and daddy yankee king of Reggaeton was a genius move.

You could have entered the sacred halls that are reserved for the elites, for people like Shakira, Enrique Iglesias, Ricky Martin, Jennifer Lopez, Marc Antony and Dora the Explorer to name a few. But lately the truth has come out. The shocking secret (not the one about your third nipple) that you don’t know the words to your song. You even confessed this earlier, “Sometimes I use the word burrito or dorito,” but really dude, that’s a bad excuse.

By not even trying to learn the chorus you basically just showed that your collaboration was merely a publicity stunt, a way to try a new flavour. It’s like you got us all excited but then we realised you were just the Latin equivalent of the Pumpkin Spice latte, y’know, here for a little while, cheering us momentarily and then making us feel awful and empty later as we try to recover from the sugar high.

You’re better than this! You had a HUUUUUGE comeback with your Purpose Tour and we were starting to forget all the dumb things you were famous for. Like, ummm, let’s see, like the egg-throwing at neighbours, the peeing in the bucket, your naked butt picture (just kidding the internet is forever for that one) but you are losing momentum.

Maybe I can help you find the purpose in learning a few lines in Spanish? Your Latin fans will adore you and the people who buy tickets to your shows won’t end up throwing bottles at you…

Here are the parts you need to memorise, keep in mind that Spanish is a phonetic language, so basically all the words are pronounced the same way that they’re spelt.

Here’s an example for one of the parts you sing:

Despacito  (this paw sea toe)

Quiero (key air oh) respirar (res pea rawr) tu (two) cuello (queue ay yo) despacito (this paw sea toe)

Deja (day ha) que (kay) te (tay) diga (dee gah) cosas (koh sauce) al (all) oído (oh eee doh)

Para (paw rah) que (kay) te (tay) acuerdes (ah queue air this) si (sea) no (no) estás (is toss) conmigo (cone me go)

Despacito (this paw sea toe)

Quiero (key air oh) desnudarte (this new dart eh) a (ah) besos (bay sauce) despacito (this paw sea toe)

Firmo (fear mow) en (n) las (loss) paredes (parr ed this) de (day) tu (two) laberinto (lab air inn toe)

Y (e) hacer (ass air) de tu (two) cuerpo (coo air poe) todo (toe doe) un (oon) manuscrito (man ewe skree toe)

These first two are free, if you want more give me a call… +91-80-2255-02-919.

Nathan Woerter is a Radio Jockey at Indigo 91.9 FM Bangalore.

This article appeared in Indigo XP, a concern of Asianet News Media and Entertainment Pvt Ltd.